


Crashing

by WatchforWitches



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Crushes, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, M/M, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 10:39:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12505544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatchforWitches/pseuds/WatchforWitches
Summary: Ronan sleeps at Adam's place and they get to talking, feelings are discussed and shared.





	Crashing

**Author's Note:**

> Basically a fic I wrote a long time ago, and forgot I finished. I found it recently, edited through everything and decided to post it. It sort of fits between Dream Thieves and BLLB but its not true to canon much. It's kind of out of character, but I think late nights have that power haha. Sort of just a lot of mushy feelings. Enjoy!

Adam Parrish was not going to admit it, but he was _tired_.

He felt it through his whole body, each individual part felt lazy and strained. He had a headache growing behind his eyes from studying so late into the night, but pain medication was expensive and his first aid kit was all out. He kept rubbing his eyes, running his palms deep into the sockets, as if to will the pain away.

 He should sleep, he knows this, is fully aware of the unmade bed less than 5 feet away from him. He’d been in school all day, worked all evening, and now was studying until his vision blurred. This was his life. Except now he didn’t have to fear getting beat  in his own home.

 Although now he didn’t really feel like he had a home; now he feared other things.

 A knock to his door alerted his attention, and he was up and opening it before he could think about why someone was at his door past midnight, before his body could react any differently. It was Ronan, of course, always Ronan.

 "Hey Parrish, can I crash here?” His voice was level, but Adam could hear that he too was tired in a restless sort of way.

 The question was more of a formality; Ronan had been ‘crashing’ at Adam’s small apartment for months now, but Adam still nodded. “Yeah, but I am still studying.”

 “You’re always studying Parrish, that’s not news,” Ronan rolled his eyes flippantly, in a way that said ‘ _duh_ ’, and Adam rubbed his eye sockets again.

 Ronan settled across Adam's bed and watched Adam study, which he thought was counterproductive when Ronan could be studying with him instead. But that goes against Ronan's personal despise of everything relating to work and Aglionby. Adam rubbed his eyes again. "You got a headache or something Parrish? Why do you keep rubbing your fucking eyes like that?"  
  
Adam shrugged, "Just," he was going to say tired, but he knew that would only cause an argument, "A small headache." He finishes instead.  
  
"Well take some meds or something rubbing your face won't do shit," Ronan swore with vigor, in hopes to conceal any genuine concern.  
  
Adam sighed and had to gently remind himself that Ronan- along with the rest of the Aglionby student body- was naive in the world with regards to money, and people who don't have any to spare. "I don't have any," Adam said, trying hard not to let his irritation and fatigue spill through into his words.  
  
Ronan sighed and threw himself up off Adam's bed. He walked into the small kitchenette and grabbed a mug. "Why are all your fucking mugs chipped to shit?" Ronan, nevertheless, grabbed one and filled it with water.  
  
Adam shrugged, "Those were the mugs that were here when I got the place."  
  
Ronan rolled his eyes, but he handed Adam the mug full of water and a small pill. Adam raised an eyebrow, "Trying to drug me Lynch?" But it didn't come out quite as sarcastic as he meant it to.  
  
Ronan again rolled his eyes. "As if. If I wanted to drug you I would have already done it, trust me. It’s a Tylenol."  
  
Adam rolled his eyes, but swallowed the pill nonetheless. Silently questioning why Ronan had a seeming ready supply of Tylenol. Ronan watched him from his reclaimed spot in Adam's bed.  
  
Adam always felt like he was being watched these days. Blue was watching out for him, making sure he was eating, Gansey was watching for any reappearing bruises, for his mental health, but Ronan just seemed to watch. And he didn't know what for. With everyone else Adam felt like they were looking for valid proof that he was doing okay, that he was alive. Ronan's gaze never seemed to be demanding anything, it made Adam feel strange and wonderful, like he was worth something, like he didn’t need to give Ronan anything more of himself.  
  
"You could have taken some meds from Monmouth Adam," Ronan says this quietly, like it’s the most casual thing in the world.  
  
Adam's first thought is anger. Because of course it didn't matter to Ronan that pain pills were 20 dollars a bottle. Angry that this had been his whole life, a life of wanting and guilt and shame. Angry that he had honestly thought about it already, in the small bathroom of Monmouth, looking at the full bottle knowing Ronan and Gansey wouldn't even notice.  
  
Adam's second thought cuts through the anger. _He called me Adam,_ He thinks to himself, _Not Parrish._  
  
His response after everything was a heavy sigh. Ronan knowingly rolled his eyes, and sighed the same breathy way Adam had moments before hand. “I’m just saying, if you are going to be fucking dumb and not sleep, at least have meds for when you are in pain. You have to take care of yourself, it’s nothing to do with money.”

 Adam felt a thousand arguments rise inside of him, but every word seemed to die before reaching his throat. Looking at Ronan and the plain rawness of his expression, Adam knew there was more to say, all things left unsaid. “Alright,” Adam swallowed down all his anger, and tried to sound understanding. “I still have to study though.”

 Ronan rolled his eyes yet again, and grabbed a pillow and the blanket he had dreamt for himself when at Adam’s apartment. He wrapped himself in it and laid out on the floor, hand under his head, face uplifted to the ceiling, studying the weird paneling pattern of the wooden beams. “Gansey was being annoying as fuck, I had to get out of there,” he says this out of nowhere, and Adam’s gaze is torn away from his homework yet again, and Ronan is looking at his face, which makes Adam self consciously run a hand through his matted hair.

 “How was he being _that_ annoying?” Adam asked, wondering all the things Gansey could have done, or said to make Ronan irate and jittery for the door.

 “He was talking to maggot on the phone for like an hour, and then he was bugging me about going to sleep, like he was going to go and see her after all the witnesses were gone,” Ronan sounds bitter, and Adam wonders if it is the same kind of bitterness that Ronan held for him when Gansey wanted Adam in their ranks.

 Adam felt a stir of something in him, but it didn’t feel like the same jealousy he had when he liked Blue. It was a stir that he felt when he knew Gansey was keeping part of some truth to himself. “Huh. You really think he was going to go and see her? It’s like,” Adam craned his head to his clock, “12:30.”

 Ronan shrugged, “He could have been, I don’t know, I couldn’t hear their conversation. I just know that last night he left in the fucking loud camaro and was out for like an hour.”

 Adam just nodded, thinking of any explanation for why Gansey would be out, coming up with nothing. “He knows about her curse though,” he said it softly, like he was afraid of letting the idea into the light.

 “Well,” Ronan breathed, “I don’t think they were going anything like _that_ ,” he made a low hum in the back of his throat and all Adam could think of was what it felt like. “Why Parrish, you jealous or some shit?”

 Adam breathed, and shook his head, “No, why would I be?”

 “Thought you still had a hard on for maggot,” Ronan sounds bitter again, and nothing made sense.

 Adam scoffed at this, somehow Ronan would always be the same Ronan he knew. “God Ronan,” he put his hands over his face, and he didn’t know why he felt fluttery and embarrassed all of a sudden, “ _No,_ of course I don’t, my god, why are we talking about this.”

 “Why are _you_ embarrassed about it?” Ronan asked then.

 “Because that was like forever ago, if Gansey and Blue want to date, even in secrecy,” he stops talking to take a breath, “There’s nothing we can do about it.”

 Ronan just made another humming noise, and Adam tried to remember how to breath normally, without thinking about crushes, and hard ons, and Ronan in context to all of it. He didn’t know what to say next, so he just closed his textbook and shucked off his shirt, climbing into his bed and under his thin blanket. His head was spinning. He tossed and turned over and over again in his bed, unable to get comfortable. He sighed and finally stilled, asking what was on his mind, “Why do you care so much anyways? Are you jealous?”

 “Jealous of what?” Ronan’s voice was not as defensive as Adam thought it would be.

 “I don’t know,” Adam shrugged, “Like, that Gansey is spending more time with her?”

 “Nah,” Ronan said, “I’m not jealous of that stuff anymore.”

 “Are you jealous of something?” Adam continued on, “Do _you_ like Blue?” Adam didn’t even think Ronan liked girls, but asking this seemed less awkward than asking Ronan about his sexual preferences.

 Ronan laughed, loud and long, clutching his stomach through his laughter. “NO! Oh my God Parrish, that’s the funniest thing you've ever said.”

 “Stop laughing! Like I should know!” Adam felt his ears heat up, sure his whole face was red and embarrassed.

 “Oh because I definitely treat people I like, like I treat maggot. I literally call her a _maggot_ . Not to mention she’s really lacking a big thing in that she is a _she_ and not a _he_.” Ronan wiped away the nonexistent tear from his eye, just to rub in how funny he thought this all was.

 “Well I don’t know how you treat boys you like!” Adam thought again he had a hunch he was wrong, and that the watchful gazes held more meaning than he knew of; but he was not prepared to face those feelings, especially not at 1 am.

 Ronan chuckled again, a very not Ronan like thing to, and made a noise that was a mix between a scoff and a laugh. Adam felt the immediate rush of words in him, because a part of him didn’t want to hear Ronan telling Adam that he’s right, that it’s not him. It makes no sense but everything is dark and Adam can’t seem to find the strength to worry about these feelings in the late night blackness. “Well, not like I should know or anything, just,” Adam is once again lost for words.

 He gulped back breath. See a part of Adam would always be afraid of Ronan. Not in the way that most people were usually afraid of Ronan. Adam was afraid of Ronan in the way that he knew Ronan’s approval meant more, meant worth. Adam was afraid of having this approval, of not having it, of losing it. It felt like something precious to be playing knife games with at 1 am in the compact, wholly unimpressive room in which Adam lived.

Ronan said nothing, and Adam was going to turn around and go to sleep, but his curiosity broke through into words before he could process them, “Kavinsky?” It didn’t even feel like a question, it felt like an accusation, a facing of sin, playing games with feelings of a dead boy, and a boy so fully alive near him and it felt wrong.

 Ronan was still quiet, and Adam, for a while, thought he had fallen asleep, wrapped in a warm blanket on the hard floor of a holy space. “Ro?” He asked the air, quietly now, in the tone you use when you are making sure someone is asleep before you say something you don’t mean to.

 He heard Ronan swallow, audible in the dark, and then heard his low voice say, “No, never.” He sighed like he was looking for words, and Adam figured he probably was, “That was just unhealthy attention, I think. I thought there was something, maybe, but no, I don’t think there was.”

 Adam let his breath hang in the air, unaware of what to say, “So you never…?” Adam let the question hang in the air, sure that the implication in his tone would give Ronan some clue as to what he meant.

 “No,” Ronan sounded unlike himself, like a hollowed out version, “Never with anyone. There you go Parrish, Ronan Lynch, a fucking virgin.” He blew a breath through his nose, and it felt like a form of passive aggressive bitterness.  

 Adam thought for a minute as every crude joke Ronan had ever told took on something new in his head, bred not from experience, but lack thereof. Things started to become a clear map, another facet of Ronan Adam felt worthy to hold and protect as secret. “Well it’s not like I’m exactly sleeping around either,” Adam pointed out, then laughed to himself before saying, “I mean really where would I find the time.” He paused for another prolonged moment, “Why the hell are we talking about this shit.”

 “Because we are at a sleepover,” Ronan replied sarcastically, “And it’s 1 am and we are talking about boys like all good sleepover guests do.”

 “I wasn’t talking about boys,” Adam replied, smirk on his face, “Well,” he stopped, unsure if he was really about to say what he’d been contemplating for months, “Exclusively, anyways.”

 “ _Exclusively_ ,” Ronan laughed, “You make being gay sound like some fancy fucking party that’s invite through carrier pigeon only.”

“I thought maybe it was,” Adam smirked, equally as sarcastic. “I thought just hearing about the party in general meant that I was bisexual, guess I was wrong about that.”

There was silence for a minute, Adam had been surprised at himself, he’d never acknowledged his sexuality out loud to anyone else before, it felt strange and wonderful. Ronan was chiefly surprised Adam had said this too, words failing him other than to ask the basic coming out questions. He tried not to, knowing how expected it was, Ronan Lynch never did anything anyone expected him to. But he also couldn’t help himself.

“How long- how long have you,” Ronan stumbled on the words, “You know, _known_ or whatever. God, that sounded annoyingly like something Gansey would ask.”

“That did sound like a pretty Gansey question,” Adam chuckled, then let out a long slow breath, “Dunno. I think always, I guess? But it was so suppressed when I was still home that I never really even gave it a second thought. I mean especially living in the middle of Virginia, I guess it’s just not something that gets talked about, or whatever.”

Ronan blew out a breath, but didn’t say anything. Adam twisted his hands together, nervous now, “Well I mean, I think I am. I have never really given it a lot of thought, but I think I could be bisexual. That fits best I think. I don’t know all this shit is so confusing.”

“Amen,” Ronan spoke, breaking through the darkened silence. “Talked myself into thinking I was straight for years, but it was never true you know. I never thought about girls like that. Not that I’ve ever done anything _with_ someone, but I mean, you just know.”

Adam could have sworn Ronan was drunk, or high, or something. He sounded so open and vulnerable in a way that Adam had never heard, or never been himself. He wondered if Ronan used to be more like this, then cursed himself for thinking that, for caring what he was like before. “Kissing girls is cool,” Adam said suddenly, “Just, I don’t know if kissing boys is the same." Adam paused, embarrassed at his own words. "Sometimes I just feel so dumb for not figuring this shit out.”

Ronan sat up from his spot near the bed and looked at Adam, “You’re nowhere near dumb Parrish. Listen to yourself, it’s just confusing as fuck, you said so yourself. Doesn’t make you dumb.”

“Maybe I should just kiss you then,” Adam said it sarcastically, blowing out a laugh, but then he looked at Ronan and his face became stony and serious. Ronan’s eyes were wide and though Ronan couldn’t see him very well he was sure that he was bright red, and he felt his own face heat up.

“You sure are ballsy tonight Parrish,” Ronan attempted the same sarcasm Adam’s voice held, but missed by a mile, the nerves all too pronounced in his voice.

“Sorry,” Was all Adam could choke out, suddenly nervous he had just ruined something, every nerve in his body awake and afraid that Ronan would leave, and never talk to him again, “I shouldn’t have- sorry.”'

Ronan seemed to shrug, “It’s okay,” his voice was barely a whisper, uneven and small. “I mean,” he smirked, “We could, I guess."

Everything was suddenly very real, and Adam felt like he was a dream, and that he would soon wake up and nothing would be real anymore, and he was terrified. Was he really about to do this? Was he really going to kiss Ronan Lynch for the first time in the middle of the night, above a church, in his shitty apartment? Especially after practically challenging him to do it, it was everything he could have expected, and nothing like it at all.

“Okay,” Was the only answer that Adam could muster, “I mean, only- only if you want to.”

“Someone’s been reading too many of those consent posters around Aglionby Parrish,” Ronan teased him, but his voice was equally as small and afraid as Adam’s, every sarcastic comment a defense for his real emotions. 

Ronan slowly got himself up from the floor and sat at the edge of Adam’s mattress, unsure of himself, looking small in the even smaller room. Adam took a breath, and moved closer to the edge of his bed, taking his sheets with him around his shoulders. “I can’t even see you,” He whispered out, breath blowing past Ronan’s face. 

“S’okay” Ronan slurred, tired and excited at the same time, “I’m just right here.” Ronan reached his hand out and found Adam’s chin, “You okay Parrish?”

Adam swallowed, overwhelmed and unflinching, “Yeah.” He nodded so Ronan could feel like jaw moving, and he leaned forward, hands blindly searching for the other boys jaw. He wrapped his hands around the back of Ronan’s neck and he felt the warmth there, and the short smooth hairs at the base of his skull. He felt as Ronan blew out a breath and realized then how close they were to one another.

Adam smirked, hoping that Ronan would be able to tell someone, hoping that his feigned confidence would transform into real confidence. “You gonna kiss me?” Adam teased, walking some sort of invisible line, hoping the dark would conceal his darkened cheeks.

“Maybe,” Ronan blew out another of his smokers breath, and smiled before leaning closer to Adam, their lips finding each other in the small apartment above a church, in the middle of an unexpected night, and everything fell together.

Adam felt all the breath disappear from his lungs when Ronan’s mouth was on his. He focused on breathing, and moving his chin to loosen the kiss. It felt right, in a way that made Adam’s heart ache, and blood pump.

It’s like every good grade he’s ever gotten, it’s the high he felt when he got into Aglionby, like everything was falling into place where it always should have been..

Ronan was stiff in a way that suggested inexperience, and Adam felt endeared and put his hands over top of Ronan’s, smiling into their kiss and biting at his lip just enough to feel it.

Ronan felt high, on the best drug he’s ever had, smirking into Adam’s lips. It made his heart pump like a shotgun. He knew that now he had a taste of this, he was an addict.

Adam was the first to pull away, lips swollen and warm, blood pumping and heart racing. “Well,” Adam took a short deep breath and blew it out all at once.

“As cool as kissing girls?” Ronan whispered, fingertips touching his lips, smirking again, sure he was as bright as the sun, glowing from the inside out.

“You could say that,” Adam chuckled, too overcome to voice anything else. Like the tide was lowering and Adam could see all his feelings revealed, always there, but covered by the churning seas of every other crazy feeling in his life. He couldn’t tell if it was the boy aspect, but he suspected it was more the Ronan Lynch aspect than anything. He smelled like Monmouth, and sweat; so boy that Adam couldn’t think of anything else to call it, couldn’t think of anything at all.

The two were silent, like every word would be charged with remnant energy, like these were forces that shouldn’t be played with. Ronan ran his thumb subconsciously over Adam’s knuckles, scared of what to say, unbeknownst that Adam was just as nervous, just as worried. “Adam-” Ronan looked up at him sudden and wide eyed, like a child given a present but told not to play with it yet, only it was Adam, and he wasn’t a boy to be played with. “Let’s just forget that we did that, yeah?”

Adam’s face scrunched in confusion, until he saw the closed off reserve in Ronan’s eyes and knew why he would suggest this, if only to spare Adam’s feelings, only he was tired of his feelings being spared. “No,” Adam said simply and plainly, like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

“What?” Ronan asked, words coming immediately now.

“Ronan do you like me?” Adam asked, like the two had regressed into grade school, and he was ‘asking for a friend’. Ronan looked cornered, a scared animal with a secret too far repressed to remember properly. “Because you always stare at me and I’ve felt differently about you, this shit is hard to say outloud, but I just mean, what if we don’t forget it happened.”

Ronan looked at Adam, and down at their hands, still holding onto one another. “Then I guess we remember that it happened.”

“Alright,” Adam smiled shyly at the other boy.

They were no longer tough and abused, rich and poor, Adam and Ronan. They were simplified down to two boys that had discovered the starting point of something in the late hours of the night.


End file.
